What is FLOODING?

When couples argue, sometimes they become so emotionally overwhelmed that their bodies switch into survival mode. Their heart rate rises, stress hormones increase, and it becomes much harder to listen, think clearly, or respond calmly.

Dr. John Gottman found that when couples took a break and allowed their bodies to calm down, many either couldn't remember what they were fighting about or were able to continue the conversation much more respectfully.

This experience is called flooding. When we're flooded, we're more likely to become defensive, critical, shut down, or say things we later regret. It's not a sign of weakness or a failing relationship—it's simply the nervous system becoming overwhelmed.

The solution is self-soothing—taking a short break to calm your body before continuing the conversation. This isn't avoiding the issue; it's giving yourself time to return to a state where you can think clearly and stay connected.

Healthy couples learn to recognise when flooding is happening and pause before things escalate. Once calm, they return to the conversation with greater empathy, understanding, and problem-solving ability.

Simple ways to calm the nervous system include slow breathing, taking a walk, grounding yourself in the present moment, using reassuring self-talk, or simply taking some quiet time before reconnecting.

Flooding doesn't mean the relationship is in trouble. It simply means the nervous system is asking for a pause before the conversation continues.

If you would like some support in learning this skill - call or email K-J on kj@burleighheadspsychology.com.au or 0420 434 628 for more information

If